1.) Fundraising is chronically mundane. Hunger, long nights and a lot of whining are a recipe to summon a full moon and some ketchup.
2.) Earmarks give us pause. Sure you can add riders, or pork, both of which sound appetizing, but we prefer our bills like our women...hairy every 28 days but still able to go wind surfing in a thong.
3.) Politicians are like adult Bratz dolls. Sure, we get blamed for scaring children and livestock but the permanent botox smiles and coiffed hair of most politicians should be interchangeable. Strom Thurmon looks remarkably similar to Nancy Pelosi and both appear to smell of too much Aqua Velva.
4.) Our foreign policy experience relies on brisket. Why don't more foreign dignitaries like brisket? Hmmm, brisket. The crockpot is a highly underrated cooking utensil.
5.) Change we can believe in typically involves ripped clothes, drool and the need for rawhide chews -- typically once a month. I smell Crown Royal...gotta run.
